Tuesday, April 17, 2007


Today I have to make a decision to let my heart be healed.
The problem with letting the healing start is that my heart, like all growing hearts...
will begin to be vulnerable to attachments.
With attachments come the potential for losing control of how much you can be hurt.
I said out loud to my husband today, "I do not ever want to go through this again."

The pain, came in waves.
My heart is breaking deeper with each breath I have taken since her last.
I have heard this will make my heart stronger, that the cracks will be filled in thus enlarging my ability to love.

No, at 47, this is not the first time I have lost something I have loved so deeply.

It is the first time, I had to help a friend die.

My friends tell me it gets easier.
My husband tells me, be careful not to let that happen.

My struggle is in not knowing how to heal myself. I know God can, but I am not ready.
My struggle is against not wanting to love anything...
.... that would ever need me to help them more than I am able to.

You see, today I gave the word that it was time to let our Annie be put to sleep.
It was. It was the right time.

Tonight- my consious does not second guess that decision but...
.... in matters this deep, my heart has a mind of its own.

Right now, it wishes I had not been so brave.
Right now, it wishes I could not remember the trust in her eyes before I gave the word.
Right now...

I just want her back.
Right now, my heart does not want me to find a way to heal.
It never wants to be the person who is supposed to make it all better, but can not.

I know, I hear you. Where is the silver lining? Where is the promise in this message?
Despite the tears, a small part is still able to say thank you.
I would not hurt this much had I not loved this much.

And so, I will leave these words to find my husband's arms.
This night, I know our broken hearts will speak to each other.


At 7:18 PM, Blogger Joel said...

I dont have the words..

We love you...
Joe and O

At 7:53 PM, Blogger Baby Girl ~ said...

You are our thoughts and prayers. Sabrina and Spence

At 7:15 AM, Blogger Maximus Doom said...

YES, my beloved, learn to love again, everytime anew like only the first time. I love you. Great blog. We will not only survive, but excel somehow. From day one and I maintain, "it only gets better!" That's the picture of us I am committed a lifetime to painting.

At 9:46 AM, Blogger Jenni Belle said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Annie. Momma told me about her yesterday. People that have never had pets don't understand that it really is like losing a member of your family. No one but our great Creator loves us as unconditionally as our furry family members.

We're going through our own trials with Odie. He has a terrible disease called Blastomycosis. He's blind, and we'll have to have his eyes removed in a few weeks when he's strong enough for surgery. The treatment takes several months to complete.

Our thoughts are with you.

Always in His peace,


At 7:54 AM, Blogger Bendy said...

I've had to experience what you just experienced on three occasions and it was heart wrenching each time. My vet assured me that those who truly love and have compassion are those that are selfless and do what is best for their beloved companion. I tend to agree, though it doesn't make the pain any less. Eventually, you will heal and with fondness, remember all the good times. However, there will always be a tiny ache where that piece of your heart remains with Annie. I love you Pickle :)


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