Today I have to make a decision to let my heart be healed.
The problem with letting the healing start is that my heart, like all growing hearts...
will begin to be vulnerable to attachments.
With attachments come the potential for losing control of how much you can be hurt.
I said out loud to my husband today, "I do not ever want to go through this again."
The pain, came in waves.
My heart is breaking deeper with each breath I have taken since her last.
I have heard this will make my heart stronger, that the cracks will be filled in thus enlarging my ability to love.
No, at 47, this is not the first time I have lost something I have loved so deeply.
It is the first time, I had to help a friend die.
My friends tell me it gets easier.
My husband tells me, be careful not to let that happen.
My struggle is in not knowing how to heal myself. I know God can, but I am not ready.
My struggle is against not wanting to love anything...
.... that would ever need me to help them more than I am able to.
You see, today I gave the word that it was time to let our Annie be put to sleep.
It was. It was the right time.
Tonight- my consious does not second guess that decision but...
.... in matters this deep, my heart has a mind of its own.
Right now, it wishes I had not been so brave.
Right now, it wishes I could not remember the trust in her eyes before I gave the word.
I just want her back.
Right now, my heart does not want me to find a way to heal.
It never wants to be the person who is supposed to make it all better, but can not.
I know, I hear you. Where is the silver lining? Where is the promise in this message?
Despite the tears, a small part is still able to say thank you.
I would not hurt this much had I not loved this much.
And so, I will leave these words to find my husband's arms.
This night, I know our broken hearts will speak to each other.